I've had this boy toy for approximately nine weeks now, and I thought it was time to leave an honest review for anyone considering a similar model. Overall, I'm very pleased with my acquisition, although prospective buyers should be aware of a few fairly significant design flaws.
First, the specifications.
This is a 1974 model, standing at an extra large 6 feet 2 inches, with an exceptionally powerful motor and an attractive exterior. Despite being an older model, the exterior has held up surprisingly well. Very little visible deterioration. In fact, I'd say the cosmetic condition significantly exceeds expectations for a unit of this age. It also comes with a large car, which is a nice bonus. Not sure if that's standard equipment or an aftermarket accessory, but I appreciate the added functionality.
BUILD QUALITY & HARDWARE — ★★★★½
Now, in terms of construction, this thing is an absolute beast.
The manufacturer clearly prioritized brute strength. Most critically, it can easily lift me off my feet, in addition to moving other extremely heavy objects.
However, there appear to have been some questionable engineering decisions. While the upper-body components are remarkably robust, the hips and hamstrings seem to have been assembled using spare parts from a much older machine. There is significant rust in several joints, and certain movements can cause the entire unit to seize up unexpectedly. Occasionally, I have to stop what I'm doing and wait for the system to reboot. I've also discovered that just because a machine has tremendous horsepower doesn't mean the suspension can handle aggressive driving. This does limit the range of activities I can perform with it, but I've become creative with the available configurations. And considering that I acquired this as a discounted refurbished model, I'm actually quite impressed with its overall durability.
SOFTWARE & OPERATING SYSTEM — ★★★★½
The underlying operating system is a highly developed rational reasoning engine. It processes information logically, makes decisions efficiently, and seems largely immune to emotional interference. The unit is also fundamentally designed to be ethical, honorable, and tremendously fun. Its integrity and gentlemanly conduct are clearly part of the original factory specifications. In fact, when functioning as intended, this is a remarkably delightful machine to interact with. Clearly, a tremendous amount of thought went into the original design.
Unfortunately, the manufacturer made the catastrophic decision to outsource the humor module to a pack of ten-year-old boys who were given absolutely no adult supervision. Even worse, there appears to be a bug that allows the humor module to occasionally override the integrity and gentlemanly conduct configurations with disastrous consequences. The jokes can be inappropriate, poorly timed, and so juvenile that I have to question whether the unit was ever properly tested before leaving the factory. This creates serious operational risks in public settings. Without warning, the unit will generate commentary that is completely inappropriate for the environment. I've tried adjusting the settings, but unfortunately, there doesn't appear to be a functioning mute button. I will have to avoid deploying it in situations requiring discretion, sophistication, or basic adult behavior. I can’t wait for the manufacturer to release a firmware update soon, although given the age of the model, I worry that the technical support has been discontinued.
PREINSTALLED SOFTWARE PACKAGES — ★★☆☆☆
On the positive side, it comes with some excellent software packages. The Fitness and Strength Training Suite is particularly impressive. This unit has extensive knowledge of exercise, strength development, and physical conditioning. It's essentially a walking gym membership, except it talks more and consumes significantly more food.
It also comes with a Handyman and Home Maintenance Package. I've only conducted limited testing, but preliminary results are promising. The unit appears capable of identifying mechanical problems, operating tools, and repairing household items. Further testing is required before I can assign a final rating to this feature.
The Opinion-Generation Package may not be for everybody. It has strong opinions about virtually everything. Politics. Science. Fitness. Other people's decisions. Things nobody asked about. It will vehemently defend its opinions, particularly the most ludicrous ones. The manufacturer seems to have confused high processing power with a requirement to broadcast every single thought. This may be an issue for buyers who prefer a quieter, more submissive appliance. Personally, I appreciate the intellectual capabilities, but it would be nice if there was an option to turn off the commentary.
I need to point out one unforgiveable flaw. Unlike virtually all competing models, the Spoil a Princess Package is NOT pre-installed! This is a clear miss by the manufacturer, and it is probably what caused this model to be skipped over by mainstream users. Also likely the reason why I was able to acquire it at such a discounted price. If you get this model, you will have to supplement with other products to get whispers of sweet nothings, visits to the opera, exotic getaways, and romantic dinners.
NOISE LEVEL — ★★★★★
For a 1974 model, it has impressively maintained an unusually quiet motor. Virtually no snoring occurs at night and loud farting and belching have been kept to a minimum.
HYGIENE & EXTERIOR MAINTENANCE — ★★★★★
Unlike many competing models, this unit is quite clean. It maintains reasonable personal hygiene and produces no unpleasant odors. Even after extended periods of operation, the exterior remains surprisingly fresh.
FUEL ECONOMY, BATTERY LIFE & MAINTENANCE — ★★★☆☆
The operating costs are very reasonable, provided you don't attempt to keep it running at full capacity all day. All it needs is food, television, and a comfortable place to remain stationary. It doesn't require much entertainment, expensive accessories, or elaborate programming.
This thing does consume an astonishing amount of food though. Given the amount of fuel required, you would expect significantly greater battery duration, but it requires almost a full day of recharging every week. Fortunately, it is not entirely useless while recharging. During this time, you can keep it at a low-standy mode so that its body will continue to provide heat and a comfortable place for you to curl up on.
For maintenance, it is recommended to clear its cache every few days by providing a sprinkle of emotional coddling. Additionally, given the model’s advanced age and rusty joints, it is advised to stretch its limbs and incorporate pilates training regularly.
USER EXPERIENCE - ★★★★★
After nine weeks, I've found the unit to be reliable, although there is definitely a learning curve. The trick is understanding its limitations. For example, I’ve learned that I need to find alternative configurations in order to reduce excessive strain on its aging parts. I've also learned that taking it into public requires careful monitoring of the verbal-output system. And I've discovered that when the unit becomes particularly argumentative, the most effective troubleshooting method is simply to feed it and redirect it toward the television. No need to engage with every error message.
FINAL VERDICT — ★★★★½
I'm still discovering the available features and haven't thoroughly tested every operating mode, but nine weeks in, I'm very satisfied. The unit has its quirks, yet the value is hard to beat. Just don't leave it unsupervised with a microphone.